Are you having the relevant conversations with your partner?

We recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, and we felt this was a good moment to pause, reflect on where we stand as a couple and what we might want to do to prepare for an exciting future together.  Friends pointed us to a couples retreat in Costa Rica which follows the methodology developed by psychologist Sue Johnson (summarized in her book ‘Hold me tight’).  The retreat created spaces for seven relevant conversations that couples should regularly engage in.  The beautiful jungle resort with early morning yoga, vegan food, inspiring nature walks and encounters with colorful animals represented a soothing back drop for these conversations.  Our guides, Dalia Anderman and Owen Marcus, facilitated the process. 

Here are the seven conversations:

• Recognizing your demon dialogue and negative cycle: most couples suffer from negative interaction patterns.  Exploring them, sharing and allowing vulnerability on what these patterns do to us is the first relevant conversation.  It requires deep listening and a learner’s mindset.
• Finding the raw spots: ‘No one can dance with a partner and not touch on each other’s raw spots.  We must know what these raw spots are and be able to speak about them in a way that pulls our partner closer to us’ (Sue Johnson).
• Revisiting a rocky moment: with a better understanding of our patterns and a caring appreciation of our raw spots we can try to address a past ‘rocky moment’ in a constructive way.  Can we change history as we inquire and honor our partner’s emotions and practice a healthier pattern of interaction? ‘Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field.  I’ll meet you there’ (Rumi)
• The ‘Hold Me Tight’ conversation for a deeper connection: in the ‘Hold me tight’ conversation we express our needs and explore and share our intimate fears, longings, and feelings.  We take risks, trusting that our partner is attuned to us.
• Forgiving injuries and rebuilding trust, the power of apology: ‘Forgiveness is not always easy.  At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it.  And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness’ (Marianne Williamson). ‘As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison’ (Nelson Mandela)
• Bonding through affection, intimacy and touch: ‘Affection, touching, and sex are not just physical acts in the intimate dance of relationships but profound languages of attachment.  When safety and security in a relationship falter, these crucial modes of connection struggle to find expression; without feeling safe, the intricate attachment messages conveyed through affection and physical intimacy can get lost, making it difficult for partners to connect on a deeper level’ (Dalia Anderman)
• Keeping your love alive: a healthy relationship needs rituals and commitment.  In our case it ended up in me asking Carolina to (re) marry me and we renewed our wedding vows for the next 25 years. 

You might wonder why I chose to share this experience in the professional context of a newsletter. There are mainly the following reasons: 

• Firstly, the practice of difficult conversations and its main building blocks around psychological safety allowing for vulnerability, speaking your truth and active listening apply to both personal and professional life.
• Secondly, a good and healthy relationship at home will ground you and be the platform for good and healthy relationships in your professional life.
• Thirdly, reflecting on trigger points and emotional reactions is a necessary condition to grow as a leader and human being.
• And finally, rituals around feedback, difficult conversations or commitments support the journey both as a couple and as a leadership team. 

I invite you to create the space and time for these reflections and rituals and wish you courage to work on your best self. 

Cheers,
Ekki